Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

It was with no small sense of amusement that I noticed the following article in today's Daily Mail:

Scared to death? The REAL worry is today's culture of fear

To save yourself the mental anguish of opening a link to dailymail.co.uk - the article basically bemoans the fact that "The Authorities" (their capitals) are trying to scare us all to death over swine flu. Yes, "The Authorities". Not, as you might have thought, "The Mendacious Nazi-Friendly Tabloid Press", oh no.

I couldn't be bothered to read the whole article - seems only fair when it comes to the Mail to judge them without actually reading it - but it did strike me as odd that a paper which has been so sensationalist about swine flu could even attempt to try something so blatantly hypocritical (and staggering to think that a large proportion of their readership would swallow this without hesitation).

Here are a selection of front pages from the previous week:





So, as you can see, it's all the fault of The Authorities. Shame on them all. I bet The Authorities cause cancer and are bad for house prices, too.

Now I believe in giving everyone a chance - even racists and liars - so I picked another story from last week which grabbed my attention, and thought I'd see how that was dealt with. As a 'control' in this experiment, I compared the Mail's reporting to The Guardian (left-of-centre quality daily), and The Telegraph (close to the Mail's political stance, but written by people with intelligence). Here's what I found. I warn you - it will not come as a surprise.

The story I checked was this - the release of the latest UK crime statistics by the Home Office (or, if you prefer, "The Authorities").

The Home Office website summarises the report, very briefly, as follows:

Here are some significant crime statistics from our most recent research, Crime in England and Wales 2008-09:

* the number of police recorded crimes fell by 5% between 2007-08 and 2008-09
* police recorded 6% fewer violent against the person offences, 10% fewer vandalism offences and 10% fewer offences against vehicles, but home burglaries have increased by 1%
* the risk of becoming a victim of crime as measured by the BCS rose from 22% to 23%, but is well below its peak of 40% in 1995

Overall that looks pretty good, I'm sure you'll agree. It certainly could be worse - if you don't believe me, watch The Wire.

So how did the Guardian, Telegraph and Mail report this story? I searched their websites last week, and found four articles in the Guardian, five in the Mail, and four in the Telegraph.

Let's start with the least sensationalist - the control in this experiment, if you like. The Guardian article headlines were as follows:

Murder rate at its lowest in 20 years - comforting headline, albeit accompanied by photo of serial killer.

Murder rate at lowest for 20 years - same again but without Harold Shipman.

Crime figures: 'The largest sustained fall in crime in this country's history' - an audio entry from a senior reporter.

The Guardian also added a Comment piece: Massaging the crime figures in which they (maturely and unsensationally) discuss how the figures provided by the Home Office might have been measured.


Let's move on to The Telegraph. Surely they will be equally responsible, and not whip these figures up into some sort of crime wave hysteria. Won't they? Let's have a look:

Crime victims rise significantly for first time in 14 years - note the use of the word "significantly", and then check the second paragraph:

It represents a one per cent increase in the risk of being a crime victim - the first significant rise since 1994.

Oh right, sorry. I thought we were in danger for a moment there.

Their other efforts:

Burglaries likely to rise for first time in six years because of recession fuelled crimewave - basically a wild prediction of mayhem and trashed homes... based on figures which show a fall, or at worse a tiny increase, in relevant crimes.

Pickpocket thefts and bag snatches rise 25 per cent, British Crime Survey shows - followed by an article that then demonstrates that almost all categories of crime show a fall, and fails to mention the most likely reason for a 25% increase in reported thefts is down to an increase in reporting, rather than an increase in theft.

The Telegraph also posted a video report, following up on the above story.


Well, I thought... while I am slightly surprised at the Telegraph's relentlessly downbeat attitude to their headline writing, surely the Daily Mail can't out-sensationalise them, can they?

Oh dear.

Hidden epidemic of teenage crime: Two thirds 'fell victim to theft in past month' EPIDEMIC!

Credit crunch crime wave: Theft, burglaries and fraud rise on the back of record unemployment CRIME WAVE!

Rise of the online credit card sharks: Annual crime figures reveal fraud soaring to £610m SOARING!

Serious knife attacks rocket by 50 per cent in one year ... acknowledged to be entirely down to change in the way such crimes are counted... but still worth a panicky headline apparently.

'Dynamic' security system developed as cash card fraud spirals out of control OUT OF CONTROL!

Now, I don't know about you, but when I woke up this morning I did not expect that today would be the day I was mugged by a teenage crack whore, raped by a gipsy (sic) immigrant benefit scrounger, and then caught a virulent deadly virus from a politically correct remark.

But now I just wish I'd stayed at home. I'm terrified. And there's no point, now I've reached this level of abject fear, to point out some fluffy rubbish like "The REAL worry is today's culture of fear" when we all know...

WE. ARE. ALL. GOING. TO. DIE.

The Greatest Over

Alright, so perhaps that's a little OTT in the hyperbole department... but nevertheless this is a joy to watch.



Sadly, we shall not see his like again. So let's hope his final four Test matches yield as much in terms of sheer guts and entertainment.

My Pet Hates #1 - Toilet Roll Dispensers

Yes folks, here it is, the not-awaited-at-all first in an occasional series of articles on STUFF WOT WINDS ME UP. Think of it as being a bit like a Daily Mail article - but without the casual racism (although while still retaining that staggering disregard for facts).

Actually, now I think about it, the Daily Mail - there's a future candidate for this list.

Right now, though, this is my bugbear. This ridiculous contraption. Just look at it.

Ugly isn't it.

The basic rule for any design is "Form follows function". So how can something that has such a basic function - so basic that, for years, we've managed with just a stick to hold the roll - have such poor form?

OK, so I wasn't expecting Pininfarina to be part of the design process when I'm just going for a Number Two... but on the other hand, I also didn't expect to see a contraption that looks like a cross between an early Apple Mac prototype and an Imperial Stormtrooper's codpiece. So, on form, it's a FAIL.

Ah, but what about function, I hear you fail to ask.

After all, these things stop people nicking the loo roll, don't they.

Well... yes... I suppose they do. But how many people do YOU know that would nick an industrial-sized roll of bogpaper? Maybe once, in a drunken puerile prank... but probably not habitually. (Well, not since the court order.)

Now, I did some research on this. Only half-arsed research, obviously, but it was research nevertheless. And I discovered that these plastic monstrosities cost about thirty quid each. THIRTY QUID. That means you'd have to prevent the theft of at least six rolls of paper to make them financially viable. Is there a massive black market in illegally acquired industrial bumwipes? No, I think not. Opium, guns, porn... but not dunny roll. Imagine the Royal Navy chasing down a ship full of that stuff. They'd be pretty disappointed when they opened up the hold, I think you'll agree.

This particular model is getting closer to perfection

Alright then, so I agree that locking a roll of ultra-low-cost paper in an expensive plastic and metal container WILL stop all but the most determined thief. But surely the main object - certainly this is what I use it for - is to dispense toilet paper. The clue is in the name.

But here's the other "function" problem. It doesn't work. If the roll is new, the paper jams against the inside of the dispenser, and the roll barely turns at all. You have to yank it so hard the paper breaks, and you're left with enough paper to wipe the corner of your eye, not a great big fat arris like mine.

If you're fortunate enough to visit the smelliest room when someone else has done the hard work for you, and pulled out the first few metres, then you may well be able to access the paper. But only by sticking your hand up into the gap (with serrated edges) in an attempt to find the end of the roll and pull it back out again. One. Damned. Sheet. At. A. Time. By this time there's a pretty annoyed person banging on the cubicle door, and the only way to get at the paper is to smash the dispenser. Brilliant. Thirty quid please.

Persian Tyranny

I have to admit to being unable to resist the emotional lure of seeing great numbers of people stand up and resist oppression. To do so in a non-violent manner when provoked by beatings, shootings and more, shows a level of courage and certainty that I find both admirable and inspiring.

Anyone that follows my Twitter feed knows that I have been trying to follow recent events in Iran closely. I have seen, and shared, a number of videos and photos with people around the world - some uplifting, some distressing.

There is one simple yet moving video which has really touched me - one that shows the passion and the deep-seated need for freedom behind the current uprising. I'd like to share it with you here.

Labour's Lost Love

Last night was the final nail in the New Labour coffin. Demoted to third place in the polls, behind the Eurosceptic far right UKIP with just over 15% of the popular vote, this is an utter humiliation. A party that has been in Government for twelve years, beaten by a motley group of no-hopers. Who would have thought it, back in 1997.

Much of the media focus - and, admittedly, my own wailing and gnashing of teeth - has been in relation to the BNP's breakthrough. Yes, it's the 21st Century, yet a slice of the people of (certain parts of Northern) England decided it was in their best interests to send two Nazis to represent us in Europe. In the capital of a nation which we helped free from, er, the Nazis. The embarrassment is palpable - but, just perhaps, the sense of the end of days is somewhat overstated.

The BBC's Nick Robinson has confirmed today that the BNP got fewer votes in their favoured area, North West England, than they did in the previous Euro elections in 2004. Their total vote in the region dropped from 134,959 to 132,094. Clearly they have held on to their core vote - now we know almost exactly how many racist idiots there are in the North West - but their increase in the voting share (from 1.6% in 2004 to 8% in 2009) is down entirely to people not voting.

So perhaps the "problem" we currently face in the UK is not, mercifully, the rise of intolerance and hatred.... but the rise of apathy and disaffection with the political process. Sadly, the latter is almost as dangerous as the former.

No doubt, many of those who neglected to vote will be complaining about some aspect of Europe or another, during the next five years. I suggest they address their complaints to Nick Griffin and Andrew Brons. After all, they - just as much as the 132,094 people who voted BNP - put them in the European Parliament in the first place.

Tory! Tory! Tory!

Just a short post today, in the aftermath of yesterday's local and European elections. Early results (as I write, 3 of 35 councils have declared) show a major swing from Labour to the Conservatives. Although this was not unexpected, it demonstrates that David Cameron's opportunism over the expenses scandal appears to have worked - despite the fact that, arguably, he and his MPs were amongst the most egregious claimers. Images of moats, duck ponds, and the like come to mind.

Those of us who had hoped for a radical shift in the political landscape - be that toward the Eurosceptics and nationalists, or toward the eco-friendly leftie types - will be disappointed again it seems. Except perhaps in the Netherlands, where the anti-immigrant nutters seem to have done quite well. Worrying, but again not entirely surprising (particularly in Holland).

So now we wait. And hope. Is the turnout high enough to negate the knuckle-draggers' votes for racists? It doesn't look good. How will Cameron's MEPs get on in their new post-EPP alliance with homophobes, climate change deniers, and the like? Bearing in mind there aren't that many of them, I'd guess not too well.

I can barely bring myself to look. It's bad enough that we elect these idiots domestically, but to send them out to represent us internationally is severely embarrassing.

Still - one good thing has come of all this: the chance to have another laugh at the idiots at UKIP, the party of racists who shop at M&S. Given the extreme length of the ballot paper this time around, poor old UKIP found their small band of intellectually challenged followers were unable to deal with a fold in a piece of paper. Hm - and they want to determine whether or not we remain in the world's largest trading bloc. I don't think so.

Now I'm off to watch Gordon reshuffle his cabinet. If he has any MPs left.

Dogs Have Owners; Cats Have Staff

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein


I'll get this out in the open - I'm a dog person. Always have been. Rarely have I met a cat that I can tolerate - even a docile, sleepy mog curled up in the far corner of the room has as much appeal to me as covering yourself in furballs and scratches (and all too often one follows the other alarmingly swiftly). So it is with great joy that I am now able to say.... "I am a dog owner, and I smell of wet fur".

Last month, my wife and I rescued two dogs from a shelter in Spain. Like most animal rescue shelters, they do a fantastic job on almost no resources - relying the generosity of people who are able to give some time or money to help out. The shelter is even now in the process of being forcibly closed by the local authorities: any dogs not rehomed before the deadline will be euthanised. Now I've had the odd row with my neighbour over the party wall, and I've had the council building regs bloke round to check on my home improvements, but this is a bit more serious. Something needed to be done.

The two dogs we chose (and boy is it hard to choose when you know whatever you do is a life and death decision) were both close friends, and shared the last kennel enclosure right at the back of the shelter. Both are great characters, and seemed a perfect fit for us - they are also inseparable, and it would have been agonising to split them up, and leave one behind. Now, the upsides of dog ownership are well-known: companionship, loyalty, exercise... but the downsides are less publicised. Nevertheless, with the right attitude, even these can be considered positively. For example, I am pleased to confirm that the acquisition of two dogs means that I am no longer the most flatulent member of the household... although I think I've just about managed to hang on to second place under a strong challenge.

Blowing raspberries is also a talent, you know...

Later blog posts will document some of the ups and downs of life with our two dogs, but here I'll restrict myself to a brief introduction to each of them.

Azul is, as far as we can tell, a cross between a husky and an Australian cattle dog... possibly with some dingo thrown in for good measure. His previous owners left him locked out on a small balcony area with no room for exercise, and little human contact (except possibly the abusive kind). Now around two years old, he is extremely people-friendly, but still a little hostile - or, more likely, nervous - around dogs he doesn't know. He would be a useless guard dog, unless we happen to be burgled by someone who is allergic to saliva.

Azul tends to prompt the most reaction from people because of his appearance, and his foreign name (Spanish for "blue", after his eye). At least one member of the family prefers to call him Abdul, and a number of people have asked whether his blue eye is blind. One suggestion was for him to wear a patch over his brown eye, "and see if he bumps into things". Clearly a zoologist at work there, a Johnny Morris de nos jours if I am not mistaken.

Azul has already shown a liking for Bombay Sapphire and Tonic... without a doubt, this dog was destined to be with us. Next time I'll leave my glass a little further out of reach though.... remember: one G&T is seven G&Ts in dog drinks.


Blackie is a cross between a Belgian Shepherd and, er, a Wookiee. His name is in fact the Spanish diminutive for Chewbacca, and is by no means a racist epithet (ahem). Nevertheless, I am careful when calling him that I don't sound like some Dambusters-obsessed Tourette's sufferer. There are some areas near where we live, where I just wouldn't call him at all. So if you find a dopey-looking dog with outsized feet wandering around W*stcl*ff On S*a, give me a call.



Blackie's rescue story is epic, and makes Reggie Perrin look like John "canoe man" Darwin. He was found when still a small puppy, being kicked around outside a local cafe by the cooks and staff. When he was fed, it was more thrown at him than served - I suspect he didn't leave a tip. The lady that rescued him asked his "owners" if she could take him away for a free neutering operation, but couldn't bring herself to return the dog to such violent owners, so called them and told them he died during the operation. As a result, therefore, Blackie doesn't officially exist - sort of like Jason Bourne, but having to turn around three times before shooting someone.

Blackie is around six months younger than Azul, and still has many puppylike traits. He is extremely playful when off the leash and out in the fields, and loves nothing more than bounding through the crops like Tigger on a frightening cocktail of amphetamines. He is, perhaps not surprisingly, very wary of people and seemed in the first instance to have no idea how to deal with physical affection. I am pleased to say that he is now settling in quickly with the help of his best mate. All he needs to learn at this stage is that there are some things on this Earth that were NOT specifically created to be chewed to oblivion.



Both of these dogs have suffered badly in their early lives, and were extremely fortunate to have been rescued by such dedicated people. We are lucky to have them, and if they are happy in their new lives then so much the better. I knew that one day I would have a dog again, but these two nutters have added more joy and warmth to my life than I could ever have reasonably expected. If you have the time, the space, and the heart for it, then I cannot recommend anything more highly than to rescue a friend for life from certain death.