Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Citizen Smith

In a moment of boredom the other day, I noticed that David Cameron's government have made some changes to the UK 'Citizenship Test'. I won't get into the "are we subjects or citizens" debate, but I do think this is a ridiculous idea.

The test is called "Life in the UK", and is a requirement for any new applicant for British nationality. So, you would think it would ask questions about everyday life in the UK, wouldn't you. But no. (Incidentally, British people of a more Celtic persuasion may have noticed that the test appears to apply to just one of the UK's four nations.)

I tried answering some of the questions here just for a laugh. I should declare at this stage that I was born in Hampshire, hold a British passport, and tend not to feel comfortable with bodily contact of any kind. In other words, I'm quintessentially British. Furthermore I have lived in the UK for all of my adult life, so I figured I'd be pretty good at this test. Er, no.

In fact I scored 18 out of a possible 24. Actually that's a pass - which is nice, as it presumably means I get to stay here for a while longer. But I couldn't help noticing that other people - British people, as well as foreign nationals who have lived here for some time - struggled with the test. These are intelligent people who are comfortable dealing with everyday matters in British life, so you would think that a test called "Life in the UK" would be a doddle. Again, no. An admittedly unscientific self-selecting sample of around 20 people all failed. Every single one of them.

So, I could only conclude there is something wrong with the test. Nobody needs to know when the first Census took place, or who the Queen is allowed to marry - or, indeed why the Queen is the Queen at all. What the test really needs is questions that do relate to life in the UK as we live it. Here are my suggestions, which Cameron is free to use. I won't even charge him.

If you can pass this test by scoring 50% or more, you should be entitled to claim a British passport. If you fail, you should have to give your passport back, and move somewhere more appropriate.

Question 1
Ownership of which item can protect you from deportation?
(a) A gun
(b) A copy of the Daily Mail
(c) A cat
(d) A whistleblowing website
(e) A huge pile of cash

Question 2
If you are caught exceeding the speed limit, what should you do?
(a) Admit liability and pay a fine
(b) Slow down
(c) Attempt to bribe the police officer
(d) Claim your wife was driving

Question 3
In a General Election, who controls the vote count and announces the winner?
(a) The Returning Officer
(b) Simon Cowell

Question 4
If a train leaves London at 0945 bound for Nottingham, what excuses will be offered for it being four hours late?

Question 5
Complete the following well-known phrase: "I see a little silhouetto of a man..."

Question 6
True or False: The Prime Minister is selected from the ranks of minor royalty.

Question 7
Healthcare in the UK is...
(a) Free
(b) Only available to those with expensive health insurance
The answer is (a), unless you are taking the test after 31 December 2013, in which case the answer is (b).

Question 8
Explain the rules of "Mornington Crescent" in 50 words or less.

Question 9
The correct response to "how are you?" is
(a) Very well thank you
(b) I'm fine, how are you
(c) Mustn't grumble

Question 10
Which is the odd one out?
(a) Short Leg
(b) Silly Point
(c) Deep Cover
(d) Wet Blanket

Question 11
Jammy Dodgers are:
(a) a professional baseball team
(b) one of your five a day

Question 12
Complete the following sentence: "I'm not racist, but..."

Question 13
Someone pushes into a queue ahead of you. Do you:
(a) Push back in ahead of them
(b) Protest loudly
(c) Do nothing
(d) Mutter quietly about the lack of morals in modern society

Question 14
Fill in the blank: "_______ Britain"
(a) Great
(b) Rip-Off
(c) Broken

Question 15
Explain the correct use of apostrophe's.

Question 16
Chips and _______
(a) gravy
(b) curry sauce

Question 17
_______ and chips
(a) Fish
(b) Whizzer

Question 18
What generally accompanies the phrase "you couldn't make it up?"
(a) A devastating exposé of the decline of Britain
(b) Shocking facts about the exploitation of hard-working white British families
(c) Something that is completely made up

Question 19
What is the correct name for a Snickers bar?

Question 20
You are leaving a pub after a long session of binge-drinking. What do you lose?
(a) Your phone
(b) Your clothes
(c) Your lunch
(d) Your self-respect
(e) All of the above

Welcome to Britain! Please let us know if you have any suggestions for further questions to be added to the test.


  1. Perfect. I'm definitely a UK citizen by this test. Now no mention of any of the four nations making up the UK. I assume this is intentional. ;-)

  2. It was intentional, yes. For two reasons:

    1. Because the English tend to ignore the existence of the other three nations, and the other three nations don't want to be reminded they're being lumped together with the English.

    2. Because the fluid nature of British nationality, as most obviously evidenced by how Andy Murray is described, depending on whether he wins or loses.

  3. This one is brilliant.


  4. Through our website our aim is to deliver a great extent of confidence to the Candidates that they can get success provided that.

    Life in the UK

  5. Awesome questions you provided. But we need to practice more questions to pass the Life in the UK Test.